11:11 Full Circle

August 14, 2014

This is a story about my life, and my personal journey so far.  It is called Full Circle because it consists of my life, my death and my birth anew.  (I just want to state for the record, it is not religious, but is spiritual, and all happened very spontaneously.)

 

So let’s take it to the beginning:

My journey with a battle of eating disorders and body-mind-self dischord began to take effect in my teen years.  I went through a phase of severe anorexia along with some cutting of self, and a lot of self-disgust, anger and resentment towards myself.  My struggle with the eating disorder,  eventually came to a turn around (another self-death experience) where I was shown my own death by my own hand through dear friend in a dream, that I knew was quickly going to be my reality…and when I awoke, I was determined to come out the other side, and heal.  And while this letting go of the strong grasp of the mental shackles of an eating disorder loosened and I began to eat and love myself more; there were still many mental remnants and though patterns that still hung on.. and plagued me throughout that life.  Some remnants were very intense, and some just a standard fear day in and day out about what I ate and how I ate.  I became hyper aware of everything food, nutrition, body and exercise related… some for positive reasons and some for negative reasons.  You see the mind of a person with an eating disorder is very dual.  There is the side that has the eating disorder and is very aggressive, though very fearful, and there is the side of the real you… interestingly enough I was highly aware of these the entire time and had names for each aspect of myself “The Sargent” and the “Real Me”,  And this remained the norm for a very long time.  For the first little while I tried to eliminate the Sargent, but it’s gains were still too luring and it’s voice was still powerful within me, and kept pulling me back offering the solutions to all my problems (though extremely twisted).  And so the real me would go with the flow, with it’s own ’bouts of strength and weakness.. though always connected to my heart.  I began a life as a “Double Edged Sword”: for every seeming good idea, the Sargent had her claws in, for example, I became certified in fitness instruction, and nutrition and personal training, with the belief in the “real me” that I was healing and could help others who have experienced the same thing or just have trouble with their body and health, in finding a healthy path to loving themselves.  (Very honourable and very pure – truly is a life calling) But the “Sargent” also completely maximized on that – and in fact the knowledge gave it more ammo – more things to grasp to hold hostage… eat this..don’t eat that, this amount, not that..and now had science and “holistic-ness” (though again twisted) to throw at me in a manipulative and twisted way.  the learning had actually added fuel to it’s fire… so both the sides built their strength the more I began to learn.  I became certified in herbology as a healer and helper and iridology, also life coaching and NLP…and let me tell you that was a trip.  Because there you are working with the mind… and again one step forward for the “real me”, was just as much of a twisted step forward for the Sargent.  Though I must say it made me highly aware of the duality that was going on, so did help to awaken me to this battle, and became mush more of a knowing of who was “driving me” which moment and thought.  I worked on parts integration, but perhaps the timing was off or it was not fully completed, for as I came to the realization that both the Sargent and the “real me” wanted the same thing – Unity, Peace and Love… and so I was told that one would either disappear or they would integrate.  So, some burden was released for a bit, I felt lighter and freer, but then I began to notice there still was duality, and rationalized well if both sides want the same thing – Unity Peace and Love, then they are just different paths… and not so wrong or bad after all… and so I began to look at life in a very dual sense, and matched it holistically to the yin and the yang balance…. and by doing so actually welcomed the Sargent, as my masculine aspect and just a “driving force” that I could then use at my will (which I could…but secretly it was still driving me).  So I allowed both sides to be acted out..and thought that this was just the norm, the ebb and flow.  

Here’s where the death part comes in: 

I joined a very interesting weight loss challenge, which gave me exactly what I thought I wanted…though I knew in my heart it was very risky with my past, and with the Sargent.  I lost a ton of weight and got pretty “ripped” as my industry would say.  I looked good, really good, but the Sargent was in full swing, again twisting the information from the previous eating disorder and grasping the reins here.  (Let me state for the record..it was not the program that was necessarily wrong – it was my dual mind, and my internal Sargent)  It got bad, and I could feel the grasp, and knew I had to get out, and stop the Sargent, and so again my awareness began to question this internal relationship.  This yin yang balance like I though, wasn’t turning out to be so balanced after all.  I had to stop … and my goodness it took so much convincing.. and every day became a battle…grasp back on – eat this, don’t eat that..it’s science based, but you know this cycle is not good for you…and fear fear fear fear…I was dammed if I did and dammed if I didn’t, and felt more afraid and grasping than I had in a very long time (plus for goodness sake, I work as head trainer at the studio that promotes the program…. and I know it’s not the program that’s wrong it’s the Sargent aspect…. but day in day out I am exposed to what I “should” be doing).  And that cycle kept going, it was full fledged eating disorder (but no one could see the extreme damage but me… and my husband).  I gained some weight back on, obviously was not so “ripped and chiseled” ..so people could see a change, but nothing comparative to the absolute chaos and living hell inside.  

I don’t know where or how it came to me – but I knew I needed out, I knew I needed a new system, something that would be truly healing, that it couldn’t be an eat this don’t eat that program..because everything I read was so contradictory….. I lived and loved the vegan lifestyle for many years, and I lived and got awesome results from the high protein and fat lifestyle as well..and so many of the fitness experts who I follow on a large scale promote it, so I played with both, but again it was grasping and fear, not the freedom I craved.  I felt like there was no answer… I began playing with a Paul Chek program, metabolic typing and his program had a lot of logical advice and was holistic.  The ideas very much pointing me in the direction of listening to my body (and this was good, because it took away some of the aspect of mind…which is where my struggle lied), and put my trust back in my body.   I began listening more and more, and letting go a bit more and more, and again it would be a play sometimes of Sargent grasping this program and Real Me saying “hang on a second” and feeling more, and connecting to my body more.  And that body wisdom became stronger the more I payed attention to it and the more I read about it.  It had it’s own ebb and flow… which was still not 100% but was far superior than the excruciating agony of where I had been.  

I then signed up to take a course he was offering and it was there he started speaking of the “Soul Connection” and this is where it turned around.  I learned how to connect to my Soul in a very simple manner, and this took all of the power out of the Sargent’s hands, and put it all onto my Soul …which is the “Real ME”  It was then that I started to see the true deception of the Sargent and how it had twisted truths to it’s own benefit.  I began using the method right away, and was amazed at how my natural instincts were often in sync, and that it had been my “trained” mind that was confused, trying to help but over-riding nature.  Then one day when I was driving and eating on the way home from a conference, (a few days after the CHEK training) I had my “A-ha”, I noticed that there was no more fear!!!  OH My GOD…. it was a first, no fear, no fear, I knew – with out a shadow of a doubt, from my Soul,  that I was nourishing myself in the very best way possible, I had the right foods the right amount and felt 100% satisfied…and best of all I was FREE — and that I would be free for the rest of my life!! – the Sargent was gone!!! – the battle was over.  I pulled over and started to write in my journal – just letting spirit fill me, and speaking of synchronization – it was my birthday and a Super Moon (August 10 2014).  A re-birth and a death, on the same day my physical body had entered the world).   My eyes welled-up, but for only a moment, for they were tears of such joy and truth..this battle that has consumed me day in and day out almost my whole life is over, the Sargent has DIED.  Such relief… it has changed my life forever…and how I will be as a human, how I will act with my family, my husband and my daughter.  And I feel safe.  Even in my day to day actions, my ego has very much subsided and my selfish tenancies due to holding such fear patterns released – I have actually become a better and kinder human expression.  So, after journalling for a bit (on my car ride home, back to the above story), I began to drive again, and then had the urge to do a burial ceremony – so I pulled off the next side road and saw a tall tree.   I wanted a trinket to bury and remembered that I had a stone I carried in my bag – it was half clear quartz and half black stone, and I had kept it with me as a reminder to balance (of course believing I must balance the Sargent and my True Self for harmony) – well now that that old pre-conceived notion was no more, and I was WHOLE, it was the perfect symbol to release back to the Earth and let go.  I asked the tree’s permission, the stone’s, the Earth’s and felt deep connection with The Great Spirit, I  and dug a hole at the base of the tree.  I thanked The Great Spirit, the Sargent aspect for it’s time with me, and for it’s efforts, though skewed to help me, attain what it thought was best.   I released it with love and gratitude, and cut all energetic attachments and cording, all around my body.  I let the Earth and tree and stone know that it was no longer “The Sargent” and that it was free energy and could go back to the Earth and be as it is meant to be.  I then buried it over, cleared myself again, thanked the location, and as I walked away knew that I was free, I smudged my face with the dirt from the burial grounds, and aura cleansed, and held my hands high to the sky, and to the Great Spirit to take in all the goodness of my “New Life and Birth ” I did not look back, I did not even take note of the location, to look back later.  I will have  a vague idea, but the past is the past, and there is no need to look back, only foster the WHOLE.  

Interestingly enough, a day or two later I was given a gift from my mother and daughter that they had put together the week before.  It was a bird’s nest, and within it they had placed a stone, a yellow citrine, with an amazing layered root structure……a symbol of new birth, and renewal, and a golden crown upon layer after layer of growth… how perfectly appropriate, and they hadn’t even mentally known.  ❤ The birthing ceremony was that, a gits of symbolism from those I love, and a knowing in my heart.

So that is how 11:11 Full Circle came to be, a life ~ a death ~ a re-birth…  Wholeness.   Connection with Self / The Great Spirit… a full moon, a new birth year …and no more fear…only LOVE.  This new life’s path is about sharing the gift of all of my learning from my “present physical body’s -past-lives” and from communication with the Great Spirit.  To take action inspire and guide wholeness / health in all who wish to connect… through all of these gifts of learning and connection.

 

For you see after all, “We are All just walking Each Other Home” (Ram Dass)

Namaste

Alyssa Huntley

11:11 Full Circle

 

 

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4 Responses to “11:11 Full Circle”

  1. Nancy Gosse Says:

    very beautiful Alyssa…the grace, humility, bravery, and conviction you demonstrate in your journey is indeed very healing for everyone who has the honor of coming to know you. I applaud you for having the presence and soulfulness to share. You truly are a teacher and healer. Namaste my friend.

  2. Christine Says:

    This is beautiful Alyssa, thanks for sharing xo


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